


everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost

by catalyst_control



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Injury, Injury Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catalyst_control/pseuds/catalyst_control
Summary: contrary to popular belief, Melinda May feels. Melinda May feels a lot more than anyone will ever understand
Relationships: Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie & Melinda May, Andrew Garner/Melinda May, Leo Fitz & Melinda May, Melinda May & Agents of SHIELD Team, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Yo Yo Rodriguez, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost

**Author's Note:**

> hello loves, i know notes are kinda boring but this is very important so please read
> 
> ok so, this fic is an exploration of the things i believe may was feeling/thinking in different canon situations. i also added a bit of my own non-canon situations (mainly more may and Phil but that's not the point) because i needed more angsty may content.
> 
> there a few things that i did change, such how in fitz's death scene we see Mack and may crying and then they give us n o t h i n g else, i added something.
> 
> it's slightly ooc from show may but i also thoroughly believe this is how may would have felt in different situations. especially later ones when she was getting more in tune with her emotions and allowing the team to see the more vulnerable side of her.
> 
> with all that said, it's probably really bad but i spent a month on it so if you like please like leave a comment or something. they make my day.
> 
> title from everybody knows by sigrid
> 
> song used in the fic is paralyzed by nf

_ When did I become so numb? _

_ When did I lose myself? _

_ All the words that leave my tongue _

_ Feel like they came from someone else _

" _ You've heard of the Calvary?"  _ Ward's voice echoed through her head, ringing like church bells.  _ The Cavalry _ . The stupid nickname that never failed to make her stomach churn. 

“ _ Well yeah, everyone at the academy talks about stories- she’s the cavalry!”  _ this team, other than Ward and Coulson, was a group of the only people who didn’t know her as the Cavalry. They would think of her differently. They would look at her and think of the person that took out one hundred men on horseback, or twenty-five armed ninja’s. The stories got crazier and more out there every year. Only Coulson, a few shield agents, and some Bahrain military members knew what happened. Even then they don’t know everything that happened. They didn’t know what happened to  _ her. _

“ _ I told you never to call me that.”  _ She just wanted that damn nickname to go away. It was bad enough that she saw  _ her  _ face every time she closed her eyes, but with the whispered name following behind her, she was plagued with the constant memory of that day. 

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where are my feelings? _

_ I no longer feel things _

_ I know I should _

“ _ Did she lose anyone in there?”  _ Skye’s sympathy radiated through the dark room. Phil could barely see her face, but the slight reflection from her eyes told him everything he needed to know about how she felt. She felt sorry, sorry for everything she had said about May up until this point. 

“ _ Herself.” _ He paused briefly, observing as the tears began to glisten in Skye’s eyes. “ _ May used to be different. She was always quiet, she just, she was warm. Fearless in a different way. Getting in trouble, pulling pranks. Thought rules were meant to be broken. Sound familiar? But when she walked out of that building, it was like that part of her was gone.” _ May’s voice rang through his head.  _ The girl. I couldn’t save her.  _ “ _ I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn’t tell me what went down in there.” _

_ “What did you say?”  _ Phil stared at her, remembering every word of that exchange.  _ You did good, Melinda. Every agent got out of there because of you. Let the girl go, Melinda. Let the girl go.  _ He wished he had said something different, found a better way to comfort her. Maybe things would be different if he had. Maybe she would be the same person she was six years ago. Maybe she’d have that light in her eyes. 

“ _ I said the words I thought she needed to hear.”  _ He left it at that. He couldn’t tell the young hacker that he had barely spoken at all. Tell her that he told her to let it go. Everytime he looked at May, everytime he looked at her cold, detached eyes he blamed himself. Deep down he knew it was nobody’s fault except Eva’s, but he couldn’t stop himself from wondering if she would be different if he had done something, anything else. She could be  _ Melinda  _ again.

_ I’m paralyzed _

_ Where is the real me? _

_ I’m lost and it kills me, inside _

_ I’m paralyzed _

" _ Let her go. Let the girl go."  _ she could hear Phil's voice echoing in her head as she spoke to Tobias. As she watched Tobias dissolve she took a breath and turned around. The team stood in the back, watching the events unfold. She closed her eyes before reopening them and staring at the ground before walking towards the exit of the barn. 

Before she completely exited, a rough hand grabbed her arm.  _ Phil _ . Everybody else on the team is too scared to come close to her, let alone grab her arm. Not Phil. Phil has never been scared of her. Not when she looked so detached from reality she barely looked alive. Not when she curled up on herself anytime would touch her. Phil has never been scared. He trusted her with his life. He knew she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. 

Her eyes trailed up until they met his own. Brown battled blue as she tried to tear her gaze away from his, but blue won and he began speaking. “ _ What did you say to him? _ ” 

“ _ What you said to me in Bahrain.” _ And with that, she pulled her arm free and walked away, leaving the barn and a sympathetic Phil behind. 

_ Let the girl go.  _

_ When did I become so cold? _

_ When did I become ashamed? _

“ _ I heard what happened to that little girl in Bahrain.”  _ Skye’s voice broke through that rough exterior Melinda had built up over seven years. A few words chipped and chipped until that emotional wall finally shattered. She couldn’t even speak. Words were right on the tip of her tongue but she couldn’t find the voice to bring life to the words.

She knew. Skye knew about the girl. About what she did to the girl. Every agonizing memory from that day flashed at the same time.

_ Give me your pain. _

_ Stop. Don’t hurt them. Let them go. _

_ Take my hand. Give me your pain. _

_ It’s all going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay. _

Then the shot. The shot rang through her head over and over again. Katya’s face as she felt the ground and Melinda scrambled to grab a hold of her. The agents watching as Phil grabbed her and forced her off the ground. Everything they said as Phil helped her to the ambulance.

_ The calvary went in after all _

  
  


_ Where's the person that I know? _

_ They must have left _

_ They must have left _

_ With all my faith _

  
  


“ _ You understand more than anyone, look what happened in Bahrain.”  _ Her ex-husband’s words ripped through her heart like a knife. 

“ _ What?”  _ This wasn’t Andrew. This was Lash. Andrew wouldn’t bring up Bahrain like that.

“ _ You saw first hand what inhumans were capable of. If you hadn’t killed that little girl, everyone around you would have suffered. They all would have died, but you saved them.”  _ She tried to wrap her brain around every word that came out of his mouth. He knew damn good and well that she tore herself up every day about that little girl. The one life she  _ couldn’t  _ save.

“ _ This isn’t you. You wouldn’t say that.”  _ She tried to convince herself that it was Lash and not Andrew, but what if this is what Andrew had truly felt this entire time. If he truly thought she had done the world a huge favor by killing that child. 

“ _ Oh come on Melinda, I know exactly what I’m saying. You and me, we’re the same. That’s why I need your help.”  _ The more she listened to him, the more she believed him. Maybe they were the same. For years she had convinced herself that she had no other choice, that even more people were going to die if she didn’t do what she did. Years of emotional detachment that let her realize that she did what she had to do. But in minutes that was all gone, thrown away as she began to ponder the idea that maybe she is just like Lash.  _ A murderer. _

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where are my feelings? _

_ I no longer feel things _

_ I know I should _

It went downhill quicker than she had expected it to. Phil. Lincoln. Lash. All of it passed in a blur as she uncuffed herself and ran up the stairs to locate the containment module. And there she stood, in between Lash and another innocent inhuman. 

“ _ Go on. Might as well. I’ve thought about my death enough times. The different ways I could go. I just never thought it’d be you.”  _ She forced back the emotion that was surely bubbling up in her voice. She had to stand her ground and somehow get Andrew back. “ _ I never knew why you married me. I was never as kind and empathetic as you. That’s why it was so easy for me to walk away.”  _ She can’t even comprehend her own words as Lash shrinks back into Andrew. “ _ I gave up on you. I lost something when I left you. I won’t do it again. But you have to stop this.” _

_ “Melinda.”  _ A small smile tugs on her lips as her name leaves his own. She quickly squashed it as she raised her gun.  _ One. Two. Three. Four.  _ The shots ring out as Andrew stumbles back into the containment module. She quickly seals the door as he lays on the ground stunned. She stares through the window, hoping to see Andrew one last time before she walked away. In a quick second, Lash pops up and bangs his fist against the door. Melinda flinches back and watches as gas fills the chamber and puts the monster to sleep.

She could hear Phil’s footsteps approaching behind her, he was the only one who wasn’t scared. He was never scared. “ _ How’d you know that wouldn’t kill him?” _

She hesitates a moment before answering. “ _ I didn’t.”  _

  
  


_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where is the real me? _

_ I'm lost and it kills me inside _

_ I'm paralyzed _

As Daisy steps off the quinjet, May pulls her into an embrace. Daisy leaned in and whispered into her ear. "He died, May. He died saving me." Her voice was thick with sorrow and May froze. Tears immediately welled in her eyes.  _ He died _ . Andrew is dead. The man she had loved for years, then ended up fearing was dead. Her husband. 

She let go of Daisy and gave her one last sympathetic smile before Daisy was wrapped in a blanket and rushed away. May waved off the agent that moved to close the opening and walked onto the jet. She closed her eyes and took a quaking breath before finally making it to Lash.  _ Andrew,  _ she reminded herself. No matter what he became, he will always be Andrew. The shrink that she had nothing in common with. The man she married. The man she was ready to start a family with. The man that tried. 

Her usually steady heartbeat sped up as she sank to her knees beside the body. A tear slipped down her pale face. She brought her hand up and cupped his cheek. Her eyes closed as she stayed there, a few more tears slipped until finally May was ready. She got to her feet and nodded to the crew that immediately rushed onto the ship and began the process of cleaning it. 

Her heart throbbed as she walked back through the big steel doors. When the second set opened, Phil was standing there. She tried to stay strong, but the minute she was in his arms she broke down. Just as she had done in Bahrain. That same broken woman. Sobs were muffled by his button up and surely there will be a wet spot there once she's done. 

"It's okay. It's okay, Melinda." He whispered into her ear as he held her close. He watched as other agents rushed about, some stopping and staring at the sight. Agent Melinda May was crying. Not just crying, but sobbing into Phil Coulson's chest. They immediately diverted their eyes after a death glare from Phil. The only few that watched consisted of Fitz, Lincoln, and Mack. Fitz's eyes were welled with his own tears, he tried to bite them back, that was obvious. He didn't want to make this about him. May had lost something, not him. Lincoln was conflicted. Part of him was glad that the monster that had killed many of his friends was dead, but he also felt guilty. He didn't fully understand what it was like to lose someone you truly loved. Mack was a mess. There were tears streaming and he couldn't stop them. While he and May had never been close, seeing her so vulnerable left him weak. With the added pain of Hope, he had lost it. 

After standing there for a few minutes, Melinda mumbled something into Phil's shirt. He nodded and moved his arms down to the back of her knees and lifted her up off the ground. The trio watched as he carried her bridal style back towards the rooms. Her face was buried in his chest as they walked. Phil nodded the three off as he walked past them. They could hear the sniffs that came from the small woman as he passed. 

Fitz looked up at Mack, searching for some anchoring. The most well rounded member of their team was hurting. She was the one that usually kept all of them in line, yet she was being carried off by Phil. She wasn't even carried when she had glass sticking out of her stomach, not when she had a bullet wound to her leg, never. This was a new side of May that only half the time was able to witness. They all shook their heads and walked back to the med bay to check on Daisy. They needed good news. 

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die _

_ And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago _

_ But it's still alive _

  
  


May's tears dried on her cheeks as Phil lay her on the bed. She turned to her side facing away from him as he pulled her boots off. He placed them softly on the floor then grabbed the edge of the blankets and pulled them from beneath the woman. He placed the warm fabric on top of her before turning around, ready to leave. 

"Don't go." It was barely above a whisper but it was enough to get Phil to stop dead in his tracks. Her voice cracked with the small words she spoke and Phil immediately turned around. He toed off his shoes and climbed in behind her. She shuffled and turned facing him, his arms wrapping around her as she buried her face in his chest once again. She steadied her breathing and regulated her heartbeat with his. And that's how they stayed, she listened to his heartbeat as she drifted off into a much needed rest. 

_ And it's taking over me where am I? _

_ I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside _

_ But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why _

_ I'm in the race of life and time passed by _

Phil watched sweat drip down her face as they stood in the middle of the training room. Soft beads flowed down, accumulating until one big river soaked in her shirt. Before he knew it, a blow to his chest knocked him off balance. He fell to his back and tried to catch his breath. 

" _ she's sick, don't hurt her!"  _ He yelled to the few training agents that were in the room. By the time he was recovered all of the agents were on the ground, trying to find their footing. He grabbed her arm with his own artificial hand. " _ May stop! _ " The fear in her eyes. He had never seen her like this. Even after twenty-five years of knowing each other, he had never seen her this scared. After Bahrain, she was disconnected and distant. This fear was unlike anything he had seen from the woman. 

She twisted his arm back and served another blow that caused him to fall back on his back once again. It was a blur as she attempted to leave and was stopped by Director Mace. As Mace knocked her out, Phil got completely to his feet. 

" _ Too bad you can't put that on the tour."  _ Phil attempted to make humor with the situation. He always did. 

" _ Not yet."  _ Mace quipped back. Though Mace was stronger (by a lot considering he's inhuman) Phil offered to carry her. He picked her up the same why he had after Andrew had died. Her limp head lolled to the side slightly and he used his upper arm to support it. Mace followed closely behind as Phil carried her from the training rooms to the med bay. 

Agents stepped to the side and watched as the trio walked down the hallway. Mack gave Phil a nod which was returned swiftly by the older man. Phil turned to his right and into the med bay. Doctors watched as Jemma and Fitz immediately ushered them to a gurney and began running tests. As she left his arms, Phil realized just how hot she was. His shirt was soaked through with her sweat from just the few minutes it took to move her from one room to the other. He quickly stripped her of the jacket she was wearing and he wiped her hair off from where it was sticking to her forehead. 

He was pushed away by Simmons who placed a couple of ice packs under her arms and at the back of her neck. Phil placed a hand on his own forehead before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and looked at the source of the disturbance, Fitz, sympathy radiating throughout the young man's blue eyes. Phil nodded and turned around, completely leaving the room, Melinda not once leaving his mind as he walked away. 

_ Look, I sit back and I watch it _

_ Hands in my pockets _

_ Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em _

_ I just watch 'em _

A gasp erupted from May's throat as she woke up. Her legs immediately buckled from beneath her and she began sliding down the vertical pod. Phil's arms were there to catch her as she fell, a comforting warmth filling her chest. 

" _ I followed you _ ." A small smile escaped her lips as the man she had called her best friend for decades gently lowered her to the ground. Her weak legs stretched out against the cold floor as her eyes lifted to the pod next to Phil's. The empty pod of what had to have been Jeffrey Mace's. She lowered her head down as she started at her legs.  _ I did that.  _ The guilt echoed throughout her mind as she looked up at Phil once again. Phil's blue eyes radiated with sympathy. The guilt of not finding her sooner, of having gotten all of them stuck in the Framework. 

"it's not your fault." Phil's soft voice broke through her thoughts. "We were different people there. You can't control what happened. It's not your fault, Melinda." She forced herself to find some truth in his words. She couldn't control what happened there, but a part of her wonders if she could. Everything happened because the one thing she had regretted the most was changed. It all happened because she saved Katya. The reason that place was the fascist state it was, was because May was there before everyone else. 

"Isn't it?" was all she could manage to say before they needed to set a few things straight. 

_ I'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of it _

_ I'm at the bottom but I don't know what the problem is _

_ I'm in a box but I'm the one that locked me in _

_ suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen _

The pain radiated through her leg, screaming at her to just  _ stop.  _ She couldn't. The minute she saw the gun aimed at Phil, Mack, and Yo-Yo her brain couldn't even comprehend what her body was doing. She was jumping, her good leg extended for a kick, when she realized she was fighting. Her leg made contact with the man and the fight broke out. 

It ended with the man dead and May's leg feeling like it was on fire. She tried to force air through her lungs as she gripped her thigh, begging for the pain to just  _ go away.  _ Contrary to popular belief, she did have a pain threshold and it was on the verge of being pushed past. As the three team members were let go from their place on the wall, they all rushed forward, Phil leading. 

He placed a hand on her back and she looked up at her, worry filled his soft blue eyes. The eyes that had seen more tragedy than anyone should have. They had all been through more than any normal person could even imagine, yet his eyes stayed soft and kind. Because regardless of what he had been through, Phil always stayed Phil. He had come back from the dead and stayed the same way he was before. 

She hissed through her gritted teeth and moved her hand from her thigh to his arm. She gripped tightly as the searing pain crashed over her. She looked around the room, desperately trying to find something to sit on. As she did she could see the reactions from her fellow teammates. Concern was written over both of their faces, Yo-Yo's a little less than Mack's. She was able to compartmentalize her emotions better than Mack and it was completely and utterly obvious here. Mack's hands hovered behind herself and Phil, ready to catch her if she were to fall. It was sweet, but in that particular moment she didn't care. It felt like her leg was being ripped apart from the inside. 

She spotted a chair and looked back at Phil, nodding to the beat up piece of metal and plastic. He nodded back at her and helped her towards it, Mack joining and putting a stabilizing hand on her arm. As soon as she was sat down she could see the blood soaking the once white bandage. She winced and looked back up, practically moaning at the relief she felt. It didn't completely get rid of the pulsating pain, but it definitely relieved some of it. 

With a quick whoosh, Yo-Yo left and came back, holding some more of the white bandaging. The technology in her wrist began beeping wildly and flashing as the man came out of his hiding spot and pulled Yo-Yo to the side. Mack offered his hand for May to hold as Phil began unwrapping the used bandages. May grabbed and held on as the bandages stuck to the wound, causing more discomfort. 

Phil winced with sympathy as he unwrapped the final bandage and saw the obvious hole. He shook his head and grabbed the new bandages, wrapping them as tight as he could without hurting her. "I did the best I could. I'm not Simmons but I've learned a few things over the years. Especially since you seem to get yourself hurt every other day." The attempt to lighten the mood helped slightly, even if the only thing that helped was simply hearing his voice. 

A small smile tugged at her lips as she let go of Mack's hand and put it on Phil's shoulder. "Thank you."

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where are my feelings? _

_ I no longer feel things _

_ I know I should _

" _ And that's me. I love you."  _ The words were out of her mouth before she could even take a moment to think. There was a part of her that felt like she had messed up, but the rest of her felt relief. These feelings she had been carrying around for  _ decades _ were finally out in the open. 

Phil stared at her, no words being spoken as the two eyes competed. " _ I thought that might shut you up _ ." And with that she was gone, off to God knows where. Hell, she didn't even know where she was going. She stormed through the lighthouse, gaining a confused look from Daisy and Mack before she was in a secluded area. 

She leaned her back against the wall before completely sliding down, her left leg outstretched. The dull ache from where the rod went through her leg causing more than a little discomfort. 

She had said it. She'd said the one thing she swore no one was to know about. It was basic knowledge that May was not one to share her feelings or emotions so the sheer fact that she had shared the biggest one was astounding. She pressed a hand to her leg, massaging in it an attempt to get the ache to just go away. 

As she heard the sound of footsteps, she scrambled to her feet, brushing off the dirt and dust that had gathered on her pants. She stabilized herself and began to walk towards the footsteps, hoping to god it wasn't Phil. 

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where is the real me? _

_ I'm lost and it kills me inside _

" _ I think my legs are broken _ ." Fitz's whispered words were the loudest thing May had ever heard. The empty, discarded building allowed his words to bounce off the cracked walls over and over again.  _ I think my legs are broken _ .  _ I think my legs are broken _ .  _ I think my legs are broken _ . The words ripped through her brain over and over and over again. Not stopping as she watched Fitz go limp, Mack squeezing his hand for dear life. 

She couldn't help it as the tears began streaming, her face morphing as a sob broke out. Mack slowly let go of Fitz's hand and stood up, walking towards the exit. May put a hand on his arm, giving him a look, an  _ I need you look _ . She didn't need  _ him  _ specifically but she needed  _ someone _ . Regardless, Mack understood. He turned and embraced May, wrapping his arms around her as she melted into his chest, the sobs wracking her body. She could feel Mack's sobs as they just held onto each other. 

She tried to force herself to forget that Fitz- Fitz's  _ body-  _ was right there. She couldn't do this. Fitz had just died. Phil was dying. The few things that had kept her stable over the past five years were slowly crumbling from beneath her. She felt her knees buckle as Mack held on tighter in an attempt to keep her upright. She couldn't do this without them. She still had the rest of her team left, but the man she loved was dying. A young man she had grown to love and care for was already dead. 

Everything seemed to drift away as she and Mack stood, stuck, too worried to let each other go. They couldn't let go. Both of them feared what could happen if they even just loosened their grips a little. In the moment she didn't comprehend the agents that walked through the rubble, she didn't care. Even as Yo-Yo and Daisy came to assess the damage, she stood still. 

While over the years Mack and May were not the closest, he was still her team member and she cared for him  _ a lot  _ (even though she would never admit it). In this moment, he was what was keeping her stable and she would forever be grateful for him. 

" _ Thank you."  _

_ I'm paralyzed (I'm just so paralyzed) _

_ Where are my feelings? (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed) _

_ I no longer feel things (I have no feelings) _

As she walked into the lighthouse, the entire atmosphere was different. Everybody stared as she made her way straight to Mack's office. She dropped her bag right by the door and walked through the threshold, planting herself in front of his desk. Mack raised his head and looked into her eyes, his own changing from stern director to sympathetic friend. 

"May." His voice was laced with emotion, obviously trying to hold himself together. They had all grieved, even before he was dead, but that didn't stop the realization from hitting them each like a bus. "He's?"

May opened her mouth to speak but quickly decided against it, opting for a simple nod.  _ He's gone _ . The unspoken words settled in the room, along with the solemn feeling. 

Before she knew it, a pair of arms were wrapped around her, engulfing her in an unexpected embrace. The familiar feeling of Mack's arms gave her that sense of safety. It allowed her to let go. Even right after it happened, she hadn't cried. Even after the extra day she had stayed in Tahiti, even after the flight and drive back to the lighthouse. Throughout all of it, she had stayed composed. She had forced all of it away, convincing herself she had already grieved for him so there was no need for extra tears. 

All of that was long forgotten as the warmth and comfort of Mack wrapped around her body. She pressed her face into his chest and began to cry, silent at first but developing into sobs, just as she had done when Fitz died. She heard the door click closed, not knowing at the time that it was Yo-Yo entering and closing the door. 

She cried into Mack's chest, leaving a damp spot on the dark shirt (which she would later apologize for). Every emotion that she had forced herself to suppress burst out as she cried and cried, Mack's embrace never once loosening. He held her tight, the mutual understanding of needing someone in this moment. While May would usually prefer to do her grieving alone, something she had realized from Phil's death was to let people in. She spent almost thirty years tip toeing around her feelings for Phil, which left them with weeks to do what they couldn't in decades. She knew that she had to let people in or she would waste the rest of her life too afraid to get close to people. 

She had once thought that the more death she experienced, the farther she would pull herself away from people. Bahrain had made that very clear. She spent six years cooped up in a cubicle, away from everybody because she didn't want anybody to see her vulnerable. She didn't want anybody to know what she had done. The moment Phil dragged her out of that cubicle, she had begun her transition. She grew closer to the team, became a family. After Andrew, she knew she couldn't force herself to hide away. The only way she was going to get through these types of hardships was by letting people in. It started off slowly, with just Phil. Then Daisy. Now Mack. She wanted to let more people in, she just couldn't overload herself. The select few people who did understand her accepted that. 

With everything that had happened, every death, every betrayal, every gunshot, every single bad day she had been through, she had changed. She was becoming the person that she used to be. The person that was warm. The person that used to play pranks. The person that felt that rules were meant to be broken. The person that was fearless, not because she had nothing to lose, but because she had  _ everything  _ to lose. 

She was becoming  _ Melinda.  _

_ I know I should (oh how come I'm not moving why aren't I moving ay yeah) _

_ I'm paralyzed _

_ Where is the real me? (where is the real me, where is the real me?) _

Her heart was practically beating out of her chest as she pushed her way through the lighthouse. It went against everything she had taught every training agent. In a high stress situation, keep your heart rate regular. Elevated heart beat means panic, and as an agent you  _ can't  _ panic. Yet here she was, Melinda May, panicking over  _ Phil Coulson _ . 

Well, someone who sure as hell  _ looked  _ like Phil. She knew it was impossible, Phil had died. She was there. She watched as he took his final breath, she held his hand as his pulse slowed until it finally gave out. She was  _ right there.  _ But she knew what she saw. 

As she shoved another agent out of the way, she felt a hand on her arm. She shoved it off and kept walking, trying to get somewhere where she could just be alone. 

"Hey!"  _ Yo-Yo _ . She stopped, right in the middle of the hallway, agents bustling by, keeping as far away from May as possible ( _ understandable,  _ she would realize later,  _ she looked like she was on a warpath _ ). Yo-Yo caught up to where May was, standing right in front of her. "What's going on?"

May tried to figure out how she was going to do this. She could, in theory, tell the truth or she could run. Opting for the later, May shoved her way by Yo-Yo, brushing against her shoulder. 

"What the  _ hell,  _ May?" Yo-Yo's voice bounced off the walls, the frustration evident in her voice as she caught up once again, this time pulling May's arm tightly. "What's wrong? And actually answer this time."

"It doesn't matter. Everything is fine-"

"Dammit, May don't do this. Don't go hiding away just because you don't want people to see you vulnerable. You've moved past this. I'm only going to ask one more time. What the hell is going on?" The fierceness in Yo-Yo's voice made May flinch. She knew that the younger woman was right. She  _ knew  _ it. She had moved past this. This was an old routine that she sure as hell should  _ not  _ be falling into. It was counterproductive and ridiculously annoying. To not only her, but everyone. 

May opened and closed her mouth a number of times, unable to speak the words that were in her head. So many different ways of saying this had gone through her head and she couldn't decipher one from another. 

"It was  _ him. _ " 

"Who?"

" _ Him." _

_ I'm lost and it kills me inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed) _

_ I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed) _

Her adrenaline spiked as she dug the sword through Izel's chest. The alien's groan radiated through the temple, but May's legs were giving out and she had to cling onto the being to stay upright. 

" _ Singing a different song now aren't you?"  _ Her arm flew back as she forced the sword out of the body. Izel disappeared as she felt her body becoming heavy, falling towards the ground. She flung the sword towards Mack as her body hit the ground, everything becoming a blur. Daisy quaking. Mack diving the sword through whatever the hell was inside Phil and finally, silence. 

She felt her head being lifted onto a lap,  _ Daisy's _ . A slight grunt escaped her lips and she was disturbed from her position on the temple floor. Her eyes tried and tried again to focus on Daisy. She could feel herself going, she could feel her life slipping through her fingers as Daisy spoke to her. 

" _ Daisy."  _ She couldn't seem to catch her breath, every word squeezed her lungs. " _ Did you destroy it? That thing inside him. _ " 

" _ We did." _ As her eyes attempted to focus, she could see Daisy's glassy eyes, the tears welling in them as she realized this would be the last time she would ever be able to speak to her. 

A small smile lay upon her lips, before disappearing and asking the question she was almost too afraid to get the answer to. " _ Was there- anything left. of coulson?" _ Her throat was scratchy, her lungs tightening with every passing moment, her breaths getting shorter and closer together. 

Daisy's head shook,  _ nothing. _ The unspoken word meant more than one thing. While she wished so desperately that she could see him again, he was finally,  _ finally _ at peace. If whatever that thing was had actually inhabited Phil's body, the sheer fact that it had been destroyed meant that he was finally at peace. And for that she will forever be thankful. 

" _ I was hoping to see him again."  _ Images of Tahiti flashed through her mind, memories. Dances on the beach. Kisses like none she had ever had before. Just him and her. 

Daisy nodded her head and smiled, no doubt trying to force the tears back and failing miserably. " _ Me too." _

_ "I guess."  _ Her pulse was weakening. Her heart beats getting slower. Breaths fewer and farther between. " _ I guess I'll see him soon enough." _


End file.
